Saturday, November 6, 2010

20 Alternate Uses of a Green Lantern Power Ring

So, according to the Wiki page on Green Lantern, Hal Jordan has a plethora of powers to choose from with his mystical power ring. With abilities limited only by his imagination, he can teleport, levitate, blast energy fields, fly, and even time travel.

However, Hal is also an ordinary man when he's not dressed in a green leotard and creating emerald force fields around himself and loved ones. What kinds of things would Hal the Ordinary Man vs. the super hero, use a power ring for in everyday situation? Here's what I would use it for mostly:

1.) Opening the door when my arms are full of groceries. Really, this could be a super power in and of itself. No more scrambling for keys and playing the juggling act when I come home to my apartment holding ten packages of discount Top Ramen from Aldi's.

2.) Shape-shifting. For use to escape villainous gods or a crazed nemesis? No. more like changing into someone else when I see my ex-girlfriend crossing the street. Even better, changing into someone like this guy when meeting women for the first time.

3.) Placing users into suspended animation. Would work great not just on intergalactic psychopaths, but also on my boss when he catches me late by the time clock or asks me to stay late. This would also come in handy for playing pranks on your co-workers. Right when your rival is about to begin his Power point presentation you freeze everyone in place, remove his pants, and then release everyone. The only trick will be to keep your laughter to yourself so you aren't found out.

4.) Airport security. The Green Lantern power ring also allows the wearer to phase through solid objects. This would be great for when I fly. So instead of getting hassled by security and having to consent to a strip search in a seedy bathroom, I can just phase my studded belt right through the magnetic waves of the metal detector. Rio, here I come!

5.) Instant healing after performing wicked stunts on my bike. Don't you hate it when you go off a ramp to impress a girl, only to land on your head and bust your femur? With a power ring, I could crash and burn like usual, but instead of a three month stay in the hospital and a $560,000 bill, I'd just heal myself instantly. Then, rinse and repeat. Chicks dig injuries, you know.

6.) Create instant plasma energy dishes. Dirty plates and glasses in the sink? No problem. I'd just think myself a new set of plates, silverware, and glass, and I'd have something to pour my Top Ramen into after a night of heavy drinking.

7.) Instant back scratcher. This one speaks for itself. Plus, it'd be a real savings, too. Some back scratchers sure are expensive.

8.) Earplugs. Don't you hate it when you're getting chewed out by your girlfriend/boss/mom/best friend/cop/lawyer/guy at the bar/kid/grandparent? Worry no more, as a power ring would give you the instant ability to plug your fragile auditory nerves with tender green solid light. Would be awesome at a rock concert for when your favorite band starts playing their crappier songs.

9.) An iPod. Not gonna lie, I would use this one the most. This way people would stop me on the street and ask where I got such a cool iPod, instead of asking me why the hell I am rocking out to 'Barbie Girl'.

10.) A condom. On second thought, I would use this one the most. That is if a power ring could conjure up an actual, live girlfriend, which it can't.

11.) Instant green screen. Bored of hearing your grandma talk about that time in 1938 when she saw an albatross by the sea shore? Green screen a roller coaster track behind her and just watch the minutes fly by like...well, an albatross.

12.) Instant fact finder. Got nothing to say at a party? Or maybe you're one of those shy guys that doesn't like to talk. With a power ring you can add zest to any conversation with fun facts and tid bits through the ring's diagnostic capabilities. You'll be a walking Wikipedia, a veritable oracle of random trivia.

13.) Instant hang-over cure. Sinestro was apparently able to use his ring to reconnect synapses in the brain of a dead criminal in order to extract knowledge. Would the same thing work, only to cure hangovers brought on by cheap whiskey and Colt 45? I can only hope, otherwise it's cranberry juice, Advil, and a quick head dunk in a bucket of ice for me pretty much every morning.

14.) Holographic display. Finally, a way to reenact that scene from Star Wars when Princess Leia begs Obi-Wan for help without having to cart around my big screen TV and DVD player.

15.) Tie Tier. Seriously, does anyone know how to tie a tie? I have an important interview with a potential client in two hours and so far my tie looks like a dead snake draped around my neck. Oh well, Mr. Yaga Moto of the billion dollar Moto Unlimited Japan Corporation probably wasn't worth talking to anyway.

16.) A Kindle. Have you seen how expensive those doo-dads are? I'll be damned I'm going to spend my hard-earned money on what amounts to the iPad's ugly cousin.

17.) Automatic recording device. This way, I can record what I want to eat before the waiter comes to my table and asks me right when I stuff my face with a slice of bread.

18.) Instant Mormon Bubbler. You know, for in case I decide to convert one day.

19.) Laser pointer. This should really go without saying. There are so many times I point to things and my friends have no idea what it is I'm pointing to. Is it the bear charging down the path, the dead hooker we still haven't disposed of yet, the stack of empty beer cans left over from last month's party? A power ring with a built-in laser pointer would be an absolute Godsend.

20.) Money. It's already green, just like the light of the Green Lantern. Of course, it still won't stop me from overspending on my 3 pack-a-day habit, but anything helps at this point.

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